Kitten Tenders

  The Girl Who Wanted To Be a Cheerleader

  by Thessaly Lerner

CALLING ALL BABES WITH A MUSCULAR BOD,
Read the posters pinned up by the Cheerleading squad.
AUDITIONING TUESDAY FOR GIRLS IN NINTH GRADE,
COME PREPARED TO BE MEASURED AND WEIGHED.

Tammi, the Freshman, was eager, but nervous.
"I'll make it," she confided to Bob her pet tortoise.
The week before tryouts Tammi planned a regime
Cutting out burgers, fries and ice-cream.
Everyday she swore to fast, purge and jog,
For no baggy clothes hid that she was a hog.
Blubber sheathed her thighs in ripples and bumps.
Her bosoms weren't svelte, but sagged ballooning lumps.
A stretched-out tummy heaved to and fro,
A triple chin flapped like marshmallow.

Yet Tammi had a secret, something no one knew...
Despite her massive body-size, the pounds that only grew,
Tammi could tumble like Mary Lou Retton!
Her flexible fat was something to bet on.
She could flip backwards, do handstands and springs,
Straddle splits, cartwheels, a million more things.

Day one her regime started out great.
Water and celery was all Tammi ate.
Day two, Good Fish Friday, became a bit harder,
Tammi's mind couldn't get past thoughts of the larder.
From there the regime slid into decline.
It became as unpleasant as guzzling Strychnine.

Tryout day dawned cool and bright.
But the week of weight-managment left Tammi a sight!
Instead of weight-loss, Tammi only had gained!
Other auditionees were trim, taut and well-trained.

The first thing to happen was a spin on the scale.
This was the part Tammi knew she would fail.
The scale read a staggering five hundred pounds.
Tammi's beady eyes met only with frowns.

"I'm sorry," The captain sneered at Tammi,
"You're way too fat, dimpled and hammy.
No team could win if you cheered them on.
Get out of here, flee! Leave and be gone!"

"Please give me a chance, " Tammi tried not to kvetch,
"I can tumble, do lifts, the liberty heel stretch."

"You're gross and disgusting, a real tub of lard.
Do you ever eat salad or a leaf of Swiss chard?
A true cheerleader should be perky and slim,
Anorexic, athletic, sexy and trim.
You don't even had bouncy blond locks!
No quarterback thinks you're a kitten or fox.
You're neither of those,
No duh, that's for sure!
Fetch me a Gatorade, you lousy loused cur!"

Tammi's lips trembled, her eyes filled with tears,
Her ears rang with hoots, whistles and jeers.
Then suddenly, without warning or sign,
Tammi leapt into the air, her fleshy fat flying.

She dazzled and wowed every teen in the gym!
In seconds nobody cared if Tammi was trim.
She executed stunts that one only dreams of...
"She's a gift for the squad, sent from above!"

Immediately Tammi replaced the old captain
And bony squad members began to fatten.
Needless to say, Tammi led the squad to Nationals.
And her look ushered in a new era of fashionable.

No more was sexy considered bones and skin.
Nobody wanted a girl who was thin.
Gelatinous mass mounds of cellulite
Became a seductive and sensuous sight.

Super models, movie and T.V. stars
started eating doughnuts and chocolate fudge bars.
People threw away their diet-pill packs,
The grocery and mini-marts ran out of snacks.

The garbage was full of rusty old thigh masters,
Spas and gyms fell into fiscal disasters!
The Western world got huge and obese,
A popular gift was a gallon of grease.
People just ate it straight out of the can.
And everyone drove an extra-large van.

Roman orgies came back in style,
Minus the mass amounts of bile.
Airlines offered only first-class,
Attempting to seat to extra-large ass.
Weight Watchers cried to Jenny Craig,
"Are we tripping on acid, 'shrooms or nutmeg?"
But no drugs of any kind were involved.
Nobody wanted their fat cells dissolved.

All because one girls said, "Just a minute!
Being the best doesn't mean being the thinnest!"